Oh, honey – it’s not your fault.
I said this to my client as she told me that in her deepest most secret places she believed that the current flair up of chronic long-term medical issues she was experiencing was because she was doing something wrong. That it was her fault that she was not completely healed.
Fury bloomed in my belly. Love and tenderness blossomed in my heart.
We don’t blame people with diabetes for having it.
Or do we?
We don’t blame victims of any kind of abuse for being on the receiving end of said abuse.
Or do we?
We don’t blame folks involved in an accident or natural catastrophe for being in “the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Or do we?
Especially if that someone is ourselves.
My client, like many of us – was raised to believe that she could will things away. Change her circumstances, her emotions and her physicality – IF – she was smart enough, strong enough, disciplined enough, clever enough, thought the right thoughts, felt the right emotions, worked hard enough, was lucky enough, forthright enough, nice enough, pretty enough, sexy enough.
And that is such a BIG FAT LIE.
It’s not your fault that you have health issues – even IF the behaviors you are participating in are exacerbating things.
It’s not your fault that you use food for comfort.
It’s not your fault that you have ever stayed too long in any loveless, soul numbing or even abusive relationship. Whether that relationship was with a lover, a friend, a family member, a living situation, a life choice or a job.
It’s not your fault that you keep smiling and saying “Yes.” when you long to say “Hell, no!”
It’s not your fault that the car died. The ceiling fell. The cat got run over.
And please know – I firmly believe that there is a vast difference between blaming yourself and taking true responsibility for your life. Your love. Your energy. Your choices. Your relationship with yourself.
I also believe that it’s utterly important to allow others to hold complete and absolute responsibility for their own behaviors, choices and energy.
Placing blame does not support your forward movement, resolution or healing.
In fact, if you take a moment right now and feel into it – on an energetic level it actually solidifies and fortifies the very energy you are trying to liberate. It gives it more substance. More shape. MORE power, not less. It heaps more debris onto the log-jam that is already keeping things eddying in your own energy system. It creates isolation. It is part and parcel of the insidious and unconscious patterns that are keeping your bound in the first place.
And many of those patterns? They did not even begin with you.
These patterns often began with your mother, your father or their parents, parents, parents and were handed down through DNA.
They may have begun as karmic issues, energetic agreements, or things that we took on – often unconsciously out of love at some point in our journey – that are not even ours. And the truth is we cannot work through something that is not ours. We can only let it go.
They often begin in utero, during birth and in those very early years of life – playing out now just beyond our conscious awareness.
Patterns and behaviors that we adopted at a very early ages to survive. To stay safe.
Patterns and behaviors that our youngest selves brilliantly created, embraced and learned well – that have now outlived their usefulness.
Patterns and behaviors that have become traps, restrictions and cages rather than safe haven.
These are the patterns that keep running the shit show just below the surface of our awareness.
You can use all the will power in the world. You can push and force and intend with iron attention. You can berate yourself for not moving forward. For not finally figuring this out. For continuing to do things that are not in alignment with your deeper longings and intentions.
You can lie down and declare yourself a victim. Curl up. Give up. Get smaller.
You can fight back, get in someone’s face and do epic battle.
But it won’t change the pattern. The root. The energetic eddy. That log jam in your magnificent energy system. It will not alter the swirl that keeps carrying you into the same blockade, into the same kinds of circumstances, into your own version of chaos and drama – with different characters and in different places. It won’t shift those lifelong patterns.
Dear one, you are not doing anything wrong.
Right now. In this very moment. Imagine me taking your beautiful face into my hands – looking into your wise eyes – and hearing me say with love, tenderness and infinite kindness…
It is. Not. Your. Fault.
Whatever IT is – It is not your fault. You haven’t now or ever done anything wrong.
Whatever IT is – is a doorway in. The opportunity to go deeper. To love yourself more fully. To accept yourself more radically. To embrace yourself with arms wide open. To call more of your precious and amazing self home – into your own vast and unbounded heart.
Every single moment of every single day you have courageously shown up to your life. You have done the best you were able to at any given moment – even if YOU KNEW IT WAS NOT THE BEST THING in that moment.
Every single day you have gathered yourself and valiantly taken your heart and Soul out into the world. You have made huge strides in your life. You have so much to be appreciative and proud of. You have healed so very much.
And yet – you may still believe deep down that your inability to change whatever you have struggled and endeavored to change for as long as you can remember is your own damn fault. Your failure. That you are to blame.
Dear one, there is just no benefit in blaming yourself. It simply won’t ever make you better. Allow you to change faster. Act smarter. Be universally acceptable. Or get you what you really want.
So how DO we change?
– We begin by listening more deeply and bravely to what we tell ourselves.
– We catch ourselves when we hear that ugly and berating voice, also known as the inner judge uttering quietly such awful things like:
- “I’m so stupid!
- Why did I DO that?
- I should have known better.
- What IS the matter with me?
- If I just had _____name yours_____ then I would be smarter. Better. Brighter. Good enough.”
And then we back up. We apologize to ourselves.
We stop. Because we would NOT let a stranger talk to our child that way.
– We learn kindness. Compassion. Gentleness. Respect. Patience. Tenderness. For ourselves.
– We get to the energetic roots of the issues. We untangle the log jams. Get to the detritus accumulated in the river of our being and free it. Let it move on out. With kindness. With forgiveness. With love. For ourselves.
– We call in true and trustworthy companions and guides for the journey that will hold the highest vision for us, even – especially – when we don’t have a clue about what that is.
– We become stewards of our own ecosystem – of our own energy. Your energy system extends far beyond what you can currently imagine. Far beyond what you are able to touch with your hands or see with your eyes. It is complex, magnificent, luminous. It has multiple layers, intricate mechanisms all created to support and inform you.
Your vast and beautiful energy system responds to vibration, to attention, to awareness, to love. To mindful cultivation. Your own energy system is here to work with you and support you. It holds the entire history of your Soul within it. It is the suppository of your own wise knowing and home to your Higher Self.
– We learn to tend to ourselves and our own energy in new and nourishing ways.
– We open our hearts and minds to deeper and wider solutions. None of which we can imagine in this moment. And that is as it should be. We aren’t there yet. All we need to do is lift our eyes to the horizon and ask to connect to the solutions out in front of us – because that is where they live.
– We cultivate curiosity and let go of any belief that we already know anything about what those solutions will look like.
This takes time. It is a process. It is the work of a lifetime. Because the river of our life is a continuous flow.
So my questions for you, dear one are these…
What are you still blaming yourself for?
And are you ready to embrace the possibility that you may NOT be to blame? That there may be other unknown factors involved?
And most of all – are you finally ready and willing to stop?