A little over two years ago one of the most catalytic events of my life took place.
It sent everything I had believed and taught into question. This was a seismic event that rocked every single area of my life – the ripple effects of which are still echoing.
A few months before this event I was at a crossroads. I had been hearing whispers of discontent and an urging from my Soul for over a year.
There were deep and important questions I was asking and I was not receiving the answers from my tribe or mentors. A call to move in a particular direction – away from the tribe, to explore – kept coming into my awareness. The nudges became more insistent.
I remember waking up one morning during this time and realizing I was having a true crisis of faith. The firm ground of certainty I had been standing on for so long was now shifting and moving.
When I got quiet and asked for clarification and insight into my reluctance I became aware of a strong intuitive sense – that if I stepped forward. If I made this choice there was a distinct possibility I would loose everything. Community. Acceptance. Finances. Allies.
It would uproot my business. My closest friendships. Yes. Everything.
I thought about this long and hard.
And then – I did it anyway. I said yes. To my Soul. To my own inner knowing and the path I was so clearly being called toward. Yes to my own inner authority. Yes to myself.
In doing so I said no to constrictions. To a false sense of belonging based on a prescribed way of showing up. To staying small, predictable and safe. To having others tell me who I was and what was true for me. To keeping the status quo – to belong. To be loved. To stay safe.
And the shit did indeed hit the fan.
Everything shattered. Never to be put back together.
I did loose much. I hurt. My heart was broken.
It took a very long time to unwind the constrictions and align to a truer, purer path. One predicated and founded on my own inner listening. My own connection to Source as I understood it.
It required sincere trust. Of myself. My ability to listen to the clear, wise voice inside. To learn even more fully that all I really needed to know in any given moment was the very next step and then after that the next would appear. And the next.
That if I paid attention when I felt confused – at an impasse – then there was likely a whole wiggly snakes nest of emotional distress, limiting beliefs and ugly thinking hiding out under the surface of my awareness.
I learned that if I got quiet and turned compassionately toward myself and asked the deeper questions… if I allowed it all to flow out on the pages of my journals in words and pictures – if I stayed true to me and allowed every emotion to surface and be expressed then clarity would more and more quickly arrive. I would once again know the next step. The next clear choice. The next right action for me.
This required looking inward fearlessly and scrupulously. It required new allies. Courage. New devotion to my life. My path. My purpose.
It required patience. Faith. Absolute commitment to my own inner integrity. A rock solid willingness to keep telling the deepest level of truth to myself. To look at my part in everything that led up to this crossroads. To accept and forgive myself. And then to do the same with others.
I experienced gut-wrenching remorse and guilt. Sadness. Anger. Shame.
The unshakable certainty and arrogance that I knew what was true and right – that I had the answers – went up in flames and crumbled to ash, as it must in order for me to create a deeper and stronger foundation of knowing – that none of us know anything for certain. That I no longer wished to tell anyone what was right or true for them – no matter how good it made my personality feel. It simply leaves dust in the mouth and a sickness in the belly. Being the one with all the answers was simply a false god and no longer held any gratification.
There was an extraordinary inner alchemy and refining that occurred as I steadfastly stayed the course.
It required many, many, many more leaps of faith with fear holding tightly to my hand as I soared into the unknown and continued to say “Yes!” to that which my inner guidance called me toward. To that which felt less constrictive. More free. Open. Rock solid and joyful.
During this time I disappeared. Withdrew.
I was mostly unable to speak about what was taking place. My own perceptions and understandings were shifting quickly as I dissolved and moved through this metamorphosis.
I made a deliberate choice to not engage because I had come to realize that as painful as it was – there was no way of going back that would not compromise my own inner integrity. My own inner knowing. I was done with an entire pattern of leaking power, making other’s opinions more important than my own and keeping my mouth shut to belong. To be loved. To be accepted. The price was simply too high.
It has taken me this long to come to a place where it feels appropriate to speak. To share.
There is no blame here. I now know I called this in. Before I arrived in this body. Before I met the parties involved. Before I came to the juncture and single choice that rocked my world a little more than two years ago with the force of a tsunami.
I am not a stranger to this road.
This is the path I have been on for lifetimes. It is the path of inner freedom and liberation. It is a conscious and deliberate unwinding of the bonds of falsehood that have kept me from fully expressing the Divine magnificence that I am.
It is the deliberate movement from accepting outside authority and seeking answers external of myself to standing dead center in my own inner authority and knowing the answers to everything I need are here. Inside. In my own awareness.
It is making the choice over and over to align my will to the will of the Divine and endeavoring to live fully into that. To be of service. To share my wisdom. My words. My experience.
To be all that I am. To quite simply – be me.
This is the message I was given when I walked shaking with fear into the desert to pray for a vision for my life twenty-five years ago.
There was a vision – I saw myself being used by powerful men for their own gain. Then leaving the safety of the walled city and wandering out into the desert as a young woman –returning many years later an elder, a woman with white hair, lines on her face and grounded wisdom.
I kept hearing the words – “Be all that you are. Be yourself. ”
These words have resounded and whispered in my ear over and over again as the years have unfolded.
I was deeply disappointed in this vision. The directive. I wanted something fancy and exciting like going to Africa or inspiring millions. Something comfortable, yet alluring. A BIG purpose.
After three nights alone in the desert under a tarp with no food all I got was wandering in the desert, getting old and “Be yourself.” I am smiling as I write this because I had no idea how exciting and fulfilling this vision would be. How accurately it would play out and how powerfully it would still move me to tears after all these years.
I was startled when I sat to write my heroine’s missive this week – that this is what flowed out. What wanted to be spoken. Shared.
As I sit here at the end of my tale this is what I want to leave you with.
You always know the way forward – even if you pretend you do not.
Confusion is a call to get quiet.
Being who you are – ALL that you are – is the most exciting adventure imaginable in a human body. I promise it will take you to places you’ve never dreamed and it is worth any amount of discomfort you encounter along the way.
Nobody else can be you. Nobody.
Nobody knows what you know deep in your bones.
Nobody else has experienced in the same way what you have.
Nobody else has the same combinations of gifts, talents and history as you do.
You, dear one came in with a unique and irreplaceable combination of qualities and shininess on infinite levels of being.
Be you. Be courageous. Be true to yourself. Your Soul – Call even more of you in. Say, “Yes!” to yourself dear one.
Just keep saying, “Yes!”