This Looks Messy

This Looks Messy

In Soul by Melani Marx

This morning I woke feeling out of sorts. Disconnected. Everything inside felt as though it was fluid. Moving.

My sense of self, of who and what I am, what the world is – none of this felt certain. There was no sense of solid ground. NO comfort.

My first impulse was to check the “News.” To see what was going on “out there.” This plunged me into despair. Solidified my uncertainty.

My strongest impulse was to run. Hide. Bury my head in the pillow. Go back to my nest. My lair. To what was familiar, comfortable. Safe.

The good news is that I am not at home.  I am traveling. I am on a journey. I AM in flux. In between in more ways than one.

Hungry I walked to the store in the neighborhood where I am staying. A man cut in front of me I was annoyed, impatient. In my need to regain control over my world I called him a jerk in my head… as if two steps a mila-second faster to my destination would make any significant difference.

I took my time in the store. Purchased some food. Observed the people in the store. I watched a very distracted mom focused on her small child who was shoving a tiny shopping cart hither and yon – always one slippery moment away from calamity in her need to explore and master her world.

My inner stance loosened a bit.

I completed my purchase and left the store.

As I walked down the street a man smiled at me. Really smiled with his whole countenance. I smiled back. A quiet shift. A spark softly ignited the sun within me.

As I walked I looked up and saw small ferns growing from the top corner of a building along my route. I’d never noticed them before. I was struck by the tenacity of life. The urge to live. To thrive. To grow.

As I waked I realized I was enjoying the rain shower on my face. I tipped my face to the sky and came more fully into the present. Into this moment. Into the inner realm where I am more able to observe and notice vs being tossed around by my inner landscape.

Noticing the contrast of where I was when I stepped outside the front door and where I was in this moment I ruminated on the impulse I had felt to run and withdraw. To hide.

I found the thread of familiar. I know this place. The fluidity and discombobulation. The sense of  ”not feeling like myself.” This IS the in between place. This IS the space between one way of being and the next unknown iteration of self.

This is natural.

As natural as the trees releasing their foliage and settling into winter slumber. As natural as the cycles of light and dark – day and night that we experience every 24 hours. As natural as the shifting of the seasons and the movement of the planets. As natural and inevitable as the infinite array of movement and flow in this vast cosmic dance we are all a part of.

This IS what transformation looks like.

The in between space of moving from one way of being to another.

This is what becoming feels like. There is never a decided arrival. Only movement. With resting points along the way.

We have a choice. We can either move and flow with the natural energies of transformation or slip into resistance and fear. We can against it.

I know from a lifetime of fascination and curiosity about the rhythms and deeper rivers of flow that encompass everything – that are moving underneath everything. From my experience and years of working with clients, from observing my own shifts and changes that standing in resistance to transformation is like standing on a beach and attempting to keep the tide from rising.

It is going to take you – have its way with you. No matter what.

When I look out into the world today I know that what I am witnessing is what transformation looks like.

All the not so pretty bits, all the unconscious and distorted patterns come to the surface to be seen. Heard. Witnessed. Owned.

And then I get to choose. How do I want to live from this moment on? What do I want to stand for? What and how do I want to create in my own life? The collective world?

There has often been horror, sadness, sometimes anger when I see, take in and own something deeply uncomfortable about myself. My own neediness. My self-interest when it is at the expense of others. The ways I have been in denial about my circumstances or the actions and behaviors of others close to me. Unconscious propensities to get my needs met in unclear and circuitous ways.

Life-long patterns of behavior become clear – and no longer acceptable. Because I can feel the pain of them. The restriction. The limitation that is blocking me from being all that I am.

The awareness comes first. Sometimes in small flashes then in louder and more apparent ways. What is not aligned becomes more and more obvious until we attend.

This looks messy. It can be ugly. LOTS of emotion can surface – to be released. It is often very unpleasant as everything that is in the way of our truest intentions for our lives meets the places where distortion and fear have settled in and become roadblocks to becoming.

It is often hard. Unpleasant. It takes a certain amount of vigilance. A deep willingness to plumb the depths of our own psyches. To be willing to face our own inner demons and embrace them in love, compassion, and understanding – as well as the pretty made for public consumption parts.

This is what the in-between place looks like. This is the signal, the sign that things are moving… shifting. Transforming. You are. I am. The world is.

It is time to attend. To become more comfortable with the discomfort of becoming. Of stepping more fully into what our own true values are. What our truer knowing is whispering in our ears.

It is time to learn and practice the tools of coming back to our OWN center. Of awareness Of presence –  So we CAN be a force for love and kindness. For inclusion and peace.

It is time to clean our own closets. Open the doors and examine what is hiding in the corners. Be willing. Be open. Be courageous.

It is time to stop waiting for that perfect moment to show up. To stand up. To be seen. To use and share your own gifts and talents.

You will never feel ready.

At the end of the day you simply choose to show up. To act from your most available inner knowing. One moment at a time.

You pay attention as you go. You make course corrections based on even more current inner insight.

You find community that helps you rise. Inspires and supports you along the way.

You become more comfortable with the discomfort of becoming.

You learn to read the signs and inner signals more knowledgeably.

You develop more resilience.

You understand more firmly that life is always a continuous unfolding. There is no arrival – only resting spots along the way.

That YOU – and no one else – are the heroine or hero of your own journey.

That this is your adventure. Your life.

And you my love –  are the only one who gets to choose how to live it.