Greetings glorious human!
I have a little known secret to share with you.
Once upon a time…
Anytime anyone said something along the likes of –
Let go and let God!
Open and allow.
Let your Higher Self be in charge.
And the real kicker – Align your will to Divine Will.
I seriously wanted to turn and slap them.
You see – even though for as long as I could remember I’d had a strong felt sense of the Divine. I mean – I prayed. I’d had ‘mystical’ experiences.
I knew there was definitely – Something.
But the idea of actually surrendering my life to that Something was an entirely different kettle of fish.
It felt terrifying. Cringy. And frankly a bit of a copout.
After all weren’t we supposed to do not need anyone? Do it all ourselves? Be superwomen?
Weren’t we supposed to keep our emotions hidden? Make unreasonably long to-do lists, say positive affirmations and then by the sheer force of our own will make it all just happen?
When I was somewhere in my later twenties the concept of ‘surrender’ began to come into my awareness as my own seeking became a stronger, more imperative and driving force in my life.
I have no idea where it came from, but around this time whenever the idea of surrendering to the Something Bigger came to mind an image was instantly conjured.
Me as an old, wrinkled and sun browned Indian holy man – barefoot and naked but for a flimsy and dirty white loin cloth, no possessions, wandering the chaotic streets of India with a vacant and inward stare – completely untethered to this plane of reality.
No home. No possessions.
Alone.
Adrift.
A Sadhu*.
This is what I thought surrendering to the Divine meant – giving up everything and wandering the streets homeless.
Needless to say, for this – ‘I just want to be normal’ – human, working away at my long coveted job in the fashion industry, married to the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, mother of two, with another on the way – a deep and primal fear was intensely and viscerally evoked every time that image landed.
It caused a desire within me to curl up into a tiny ball and get very, very small.
No way.
No how.**
I recently came across a line in a book I was flipping through that speaks perfectly to that time in my life –
“I had not yet surrendered my will to my own Remembering.”
~ Flo Magdalena
So it was with alarm that at some point during my twenty-eighth year I began to hear the words “The Divine plan for my life is manifesting now” whisper through my inner awareness.
An unsettling mixture of curiosity, resistance and trepidation was each time stirred within me.
A visceral sense of my stance at the time instantly comes to mind.
My left arm held straight out from my shoulder, palm facing away as if keeping something at bay, my head turned to the right, looking in the opposite direction.
In effect saying, “Nope. No way. Not listening.”
I instinctively knew with every fiber of my being that the minute I let that statement in, made those words mine, let them have their way with me – the proverbial ‘shit’ would truly hit the fan.
Big time.
I didn’t know exactly what would change.
I wasn’t even all that sure of what was ‘wrong’ with my life. Truth be told, I was fairly comfortable with the dysfunction of it all.
I thought it was all normal – simply what life was like.
There was however the knowing that it all would be upended if I said yes to this affirmation.
After sitting with this for quite awhile, muling it over, turning it this way and that – it was with a certain amount of dread – I metaphorically turned, faced the Universe/Creator/Mother/Father God, internally said “ok!” and wrote in my journal –
“The Divine Plan for my life is manifesting now.”
I quite deliberately acquiesced.
Immediately these words began to repeat over and over again in my mind like a mantra.
How could I possibly know that by doing this I was stepping right into the Stream that would carry me inexorably closer to the fulfillment of my deepest heartfelt prayers and longings, holding me there for the rest of my life?
When I made that initial agreement – affirming the Divine plan for my life was manifesting now – sure enough my entire carefully constructed life began to unravel and come apart.
And – thank All That Is – it did.
Veils of illusion obscuring what was actually so in my life began to fall away – albeit painfully.
A clearer and cleaner understanding of what I truly wanted began to arrive.
Choices were made. Tears were cried.
In the middle of all this painful unraveling, I came across a cream colored greeting card with a full moon on it in a store. Underneath the moon, written in calligraphy was a line by Mizuta Masahide –
“My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon.”
I bought this gem of a card and carried it tucked into my day-timer as a powerful talisman and reminder for at least the next two years – taking it out often to allow the truth of this statement to wash over and steady me as my seemingly well assembled life went up in flames.
During this time of great change much rapidly occurred.
The father of my children left while I was pregnant with my youngest.
In the space of two weeks, I gave birth, made our house presentable to rent out and moved to what appeared to be my dream home.
The children’s father and I reconciled in love around the time of the birth. He moved back in with us.
Four months later as I was riding up the elevator on my way to give a presentation to several hundred employees the wise guiding internal ‘voice’ inside my head said “today is the day.”
I once again acted.
I quit my very stable corporate and frankly soul sucking job of more than a decade to, at the time I thought, go back to school.
The father of my three very young children left for good less than a week later – right after he went out, used and refused to regain his sobriety.
The veils kept dropping.
Tough, though ever more internally aligned choices kept being presented and made turning me toward something new and unknown.
The scaffolding for a truer more Spirit-aligned life was being created.
Adjustments, healing and more change kept marching through the door.
In the next six months I experienced unexpected life threatening health issues, my youngest son was hospitalized twice and a whole lot more.
Looking back it is also very apparent that I was being guided and supported by something far greater and wiser than my own capacity to manage things.
A true doozy of a first Saturn return.***
Why am I sharing all this with you in this now moment?
Recently, I have once again been hearing those words whispering quietly in my ear.
“The Divine plan for my life is manifesting now.”
Hmmmmm…
Change at the best of times is unsettling. BIG change more deeply so.
Mr Georgia and I currently have another big geographical move out in front of us this year that carries with it soooo many unknowns. I am also deeply immersed in creating the scaffolding and foundation for several major projects around my joyful service in the world.
A lot is on my plate and I am no longer thirty – when I was a master at using the force of my will to get eight hours worth of work done in two hours.
I choose to move at a much human pace these days.
All of this has felt alarmingly overwhelming at times this past Winter as much was also moving and shifting internally, under the surface of my clear awareness preparing me for this next iteration.
Life change brings into stark relief the often unrecognized truth that each and every day we are stepping out into the unknown.
It doesn’t matter how it happens or how many times we do this – let go of one life, one familiar and rather comfortable way of being in its known itchiness while we reach toward another – it is always like the very first time in many ways.
This is in essence what life becomes – when one has stepped onto the Path and said “yes” to more.
More of yourself. More authenticity. More Love.
More Passion. More Joy and Enthusiasm.
More clear Connection to the wisdom already contained within your Essence.
All in the midst of chaos and enormous change – code words for transformation – in the outer.
When I say to myself “The Divine plan for my life is manifesting now.”
My ENTIRE being relaxes.
Curious? Try it yourself and notice what happens for you.
Do not take my word for any of this…
A big sigh escapes me – heralding a shift – as my nervous system lets go and relaxes.
My shoulders drop.
I fully land in my body.
My vision becomes clearer.
Things simply ‘line up’ internally.
I experience greater inner coherence.
The path in front of me opens…
And sooner rather than later an upwelling to move in some way arises and I find myself simply doing ‘the next thing.’
I also find myself moving forward naturally, at a more human pace.
This all encourages Life, Divinity, Essence to flow in and through me with more ease.
This is me taking a step toward the above in cooperation and partnership
This plugs me right into the stream that is inexorably taking each of us toward the fulfillment of our deepest prayers and aspirations – our heart’s greatest longings.
The main difference is the absence of resistance
We are not longer going kicking and screaming.
Miracles, intuitive messages and synchronicities are occurring all around us.
All the time.
When I affirm for myself that the Divine plan for my life is manifesting now, I am not only more open to receive intuitive guidance, experience synchronicities and miracles – I am also more able to recognize and acknowledge them more easily – creating for myself a felt sense of being in the Flow. Even, especially when things do not go according to plan.
Whether I call it my Higher Self, God, Divine Intelligence or some other name – when I consciously connect to the Ineffable I always come back into alignment with a greater Truth.
I then remember it is not all up to just me.
I am absolutely not in charge of keeping the planet spinning, figuring out how to manage every detail in front of me or any of the other myriad of things I have at various times assumed I was solely responsible for.
This creates much greater ease in my entire being.
When I feel greater ease I also feel a greater sense of connection.
Connection to all my fellow humans, to Love, to the natural world in its infinite variety and abundance.
Connection to the unseen supporting all of this vast magnificence and most importantly connection to myself and the Divine Essence that flows in and through me – that is me. That is also you and is literally everything seen and unseen.
Coming back to this. Remembering this over and over – facilitates the turning of my attention toward the greater collective Re-membering that is taking place across the planet.
Fully surrendered and in service to my own.
~ ~ ~
Notes
*Sadhu – An ascetic holy man.
**Years later I confessed my fear of ending up a Sadhu to my mentor at the time – who was born and raised in India.
She just laughed. Hard.
Melani, she said – “You’ve already done that! That is not for you this life.” Whew!!! What a relief!
** Saturn Return –
Wikipedia
A Saturn return is an astrological event that occurs when the planet Saturn returns to the same position in the zodiac as it was at the time of a person’s birth, typically happening around ages 27 to 30, and again in the late 50s and late 80s. This period is often associated with significant life changes, personal growth, and the transition into adulthood.
~ ~ ~
PS – Curious about what it would be like to work together? Want to connect “in person’? Pop me an email and let’s have virtual ‘tea’. No pressure, simply a conversation. A meeting between two humans somewhere in the process of authentic re-membering more of who they are.
And finally – Let’s End with a moment of exhilarating and glorious Flow.
Allow yourself to feel the power, beauty and shear magnificence of life living Life.
Rogue River Gorge – not far from Crater lake in Southern Oregon – the rush and abundance of late Spring snow-melt.
