Am I going to be OK?

In Courage by Melani Marx

Hello beautiful and exquisite human,
As I was driving to the “big city” for a grocery shop yesterday I was ruminating on the truly jaw-dropping shifts, once again, I have been experiencing. 
Here I thought I had all my ducks in a row, my schedule for my life finally  all set and holy Moses here comes the Wave! What is it they say about making the Universe laugh?!
Anyway, as I was driving I was pondering feeling like a snake of late, shedding skin after skin in the most unexpected of ways when this wave of emotion rolled over me.

All these scenes from my life flashed across my inner movie screen and I heard, “Everything can be boiled down to this one question – Am I going to be ok?”
This brought even more emotion moving through – every time we shift internally count on emotions moving up and out along with the shifts – and the truth of this really hit me. 
Every single worry, concern, fear, experience of pain, loss, illness, boundary violation, chaos, every upset – this was the bottom line and mostly unconscious question beneath all of it.
“ Am I going to be ok?”
Will I find another job?
Will this pain ever end?
Will I ever find love again?
Will I find home?
Will I be able to pay the bills?
Will I heal?
Will “this” ever end?
All of these queries are really asking – “ Am I going to be ok?”
For myself yesterday I was able to answer almost instantaneously and truthfully. “Yes. I am going to be ok. No matter what happens – I AM ok.”
But that has not always been the case. 

As a child I experienced a great deal of chaos and uncertainty in my home.

I spent a lot of time “watching” the adults and my older siblings to gauge the temperature of the room. Looking back I am not sure I really ever felt safe.

I experienced a great deal of trauma, or what they now call compound trauma.

I learned to be empathic, to “read the energy”, to utilize my own personal energy in ways that helped me feel safer, more informed. As small children the only power we have is to unconsciously send our energy out to “see” everything. To bring us information about what us going on.

To help us answer the question – “ Am I going to be ok?”

This gets hardwired into our nervous system, into our psyche. It becomes habitual. Unconscious. A way of moving through the world.

Then we grow up and these brilliant tools we taught ourselves as children become liabilities and stumbling blocks in becoming all that we endeavor to be. They can even make us sick.

They prevent us from truly arriving in our lives.

They are a barrier to fully experiencing deeply satisfying relationships, inner equanimity, peace, fulfilment, a sense of safety and joy.

These ways of unconsciously gathering intel over time impair our physical and mental health.

Can create anxiety.

Keep us doubting our own perceptions and choices.

Can make it difficult to move toward what we truly desire.

These brilliant tools, that we are unconsciously doing, born out of a desire to feel safe have become liabilities. 
Learning to unwind these learned responses and replace these tools with ones that REALLY work has been a lifelong endeavor of mine. 
And no, this does not include me standing on my head with my eyes crossed, humming “I Believe in Miracles”, while visualizing world peace. 
These are simple, effective and life-altering tools. 
This is what the humans I have shared them with tell me. 
I am going to be teaching them again in a few weeks in a safe, intimate, secure and sacred container. There will be lots of time to try them on and practice, ask questions, get familiar. 

This is about solutions. 
This is about a new way of interacting with life. 
This is a transmission by someone who has embodied this knowing, these tools, this way of moving through the world. 
As I write this Missive there are 9 open seats. Intimate. Small. Personal.
I would love to have you join me. 
All the information is here.
Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions, especially about whether this is right for you. 
And now… a moment of natural magic and wonder, just for you…..

A Meditative moment to breathe….in… Flow.

From my wanders along the Bitterroot River this week.
I was mesmerized by the River flowing under the ice.

It started me pondering the thawing of the long held material held in the unconscious – and our bodies – that is coming to the surface to be brought back into awareness and support wholeness.

Energy being freed up that can now be utilized to support
our most authentic life path.

A few last words…. 
Please remember, dear one  – 

To take some time every day….

To sit and breathe deep into your belly. 
To sing songs to yourself. 
To humm and dance. 
To shake and bounce on your toes.
To slow down and allow yourself to integrate all that is going on.
To do absolutely nothing – if only for five minutes. 
To notice the beauty around you.
To eat and enjoy delicious foods your body loves. 
To come back to your Center as often as you remember.

To tuck yourself sweetly into bed at night.
To hold yourself very lovingly, very gently and oh, so very kindly. 
To say out loud three times – “I love my Life. I love my body. I love myself.” 
To savor the small moments.
May every single day bring you the sweetest gifts of Wonder, Magic and Beauty…  

And when you see them may you remember that these are magnificent reflections of your own amazing Self.