A Holy Longing

In Courage, Soul, Spirit by Melani Marx

Hello loves

So happy to be connecting with you today. I have a bit of a story to tell you. And like all good stories it begins with…

Once upon a time I was a reluctant, heels dragging, mystical, magic, crazy woman. I had yet to lose my mind and was clutching desperately to the illusory orderliness of said mind with clenched fists. 

Oh, I walked the wild side. 

Yep. I saw and heard things that most did not. Angels, trees, stones, animals spoke with me on a regular basis. 

On occasion I’d sit in bed all day – deeply immersed in my own process – journaling and allowing my Soul to have its way with me – I would vividly encounter aspects of myself in full color shifting and morphing. Deities came to me in meditation regularly and worked upon me. There was a time when Kali showed up every day for months and months, reach her hand inside my chest, rip my heart out and eat it, smiling with wild delight. 

When I worked with clients I “saw” things and much shifted and changed for them – whether I was selling clothing, doing Feng Shui or simply having a conversation. I had an innate capacity to help others “heal” themselves. To step into a more powerful and true version of Soul.

My life and the lens I viewed it through was never truly  “ordinary” or usual.

Try as I might to fit into the mold of the everyday, to hear the tune of the world and step to it I was unable to.

I was a woman split in two. 

One part desperately wanting to fit in. Be safe. Accepted. Loved. Wanted. Ordinary. 

And the other part exulting in the joy of experiencing what was just beyond the veil, extra-ordinary, magical. 

Yearning to not just say the prayer but to BE the prayer. Finding deep satisfaction and ease in supporting another to know themselves more lovingly. More deeply. More truly. 

One part longing for the freedom, vulnerability and openness of being that clear channel. The other terrified by the unpredictability, vulnerability, openness and uncertainty of the unknown! Of being found ridiculous. Of not being taken seriously. 

The love and boundless joy of my connection to Source and to what I truly am, was in direct conflict with what my mind and cultural programming told me I “should” be, how I was supposed to show up. 

I did not know then what I know now. That I, that each of us carry all of those things within us. I am not separate from them. I do not have to earn them or look for them outside of me. They are who I am. Who and what my Soul holds and is.

One day as I was going about my life I was told by “the voice of God” to pull up stakes and move.  Talk about crazy. Right?! 

I was told to leave my home in my mostly conservative small town. To leave my father who was clearly in the last part of his life. To leave one of my sons, my friends and everything familiar. To take my business and move to a town I’d never wanted to live in half a thousand miles away where I knew virtually no one and where people wore fairy wings to work. 

Holy cats! A town that held more metaphysical healers per capita than anywhere else in the US. To a town filled to overflowing with “weird.”

And I did. 

Oh, I did. I lived there twelve years. Enough years to soften. Let go. Wake up. Fall apart. Shed skins. Loose everything. Find myself. Get comfortable with me. And get very, very weird! 

I lovingly laugh at the stubborn resistance that played out within me for so, so long! Resistance is an extraordinary and beautiful teacher. I bow before its mastery and ability to get one’s attention. It sure needed to get mine. However resistance is also quite painful and can bring one to one’s knees. Over and over.  

I have also come to know with every fiber of my being that there is perfect timing in absolutely every smallest thing!  No matter how slow we believe things are moving, or how much we wish things would slow down –  the River of Life is taking us exactly where we are most needed to be, in exactly the most impeccable way aligned to the perfect pattern our Soul holds for us. For our unfolding. For our Be-coming.

One day a few years after I’d been in that magical and weird town I went for a walk in a place deeply sacred to me. A place I had not visited, truth be told had actually avoided for almost two decades. The place of my original awakening. 

As I was walking that day, ruminating on this urging, this deep upwelling from within to devote my life ever more deeply to the call of the Soul, to the quiet whisper of Source, contemplating on my hesitancy and reluctance. I looked down.  

A small and perfect osprey feather was at my feet. I picked it up, held it gently in my hands.

Standing on that forest path, the scent of pine and damp earth in my nostrils I looked skyward and said aloud, “Ok. Ok, I will do it. I will do whatever it is you would have me do. Even if it looks like channeling fricken Yogi bear.” Which was the most ridiculous thing I could imagine doing at that time. 

I surrendered. Again. 

And have many, countless times over and over since then. Each time leaning into the resistance. Each time bringing me more clearly into my own deeper relationship with myself, with the extraordinary experience of being a human here. Now. 

Each time more firmly rooting me into my own one true spot in the Cosmos. So much vaster and extraordinary than I could EVER have imagined.

Fast forward to this moment. 

I am sitting propped in my bed looking out across a tidal inlet in the Northland of New Zealand, writing this missive to you. For you. To remind us both that even in those moments when we believe that Life is done with us… that this is all there is… that we are too small, or not enough or whatever lie we are believing in that moment…there is so much more to come.

I am who I am. Fully. Totally. Alive. 

Taking each moment one at a time. Listening. Feeling. Stepping forward accordingly… in Trust. In Faith. In Love. 

Keeping my agreement to do whatever is asked of me to the best of my ability. Opening my mouth and allowing whatever is asking to come through to flow as purely as I am able to allow it.

A crazy, mystical, everyday woman living her life at the call of her Soul. 

An open vessel for Source.

I am the Prayer.

A bridge between Heaven and Earth. Between the old world and the New. 

And you beloved one…

May you be All that YOU are. 

May you know you already ARE – simply Love. 

May the bonds of resistance soften and loose as you fly free. 

May courage infuse your heart as you step into your own deep, “YES” to your self. To the Divine as you understand it. To love. To Life.

As you sing your Soul’s most beautiful and precious song. 

 Standing in your own one true spot in the Cosmos.